I’m here again.

Still feeling untethered.

Still chiseling away at all the feels.

It’s been a week since I last shared.

A week since I talked about being hidden and about how God allows us to experience these hiding seasons for a purpose.

I talked about the value that we equate with visibility and just how prized a possession we are to God.

We are His great treasure.

As per usual, the week’s been a smorgasbord of God winks that have not only met me in my solitude, but also prompted me to think about this concept of being hidden a little deeper. And once again, it was music that inspired this latest thought rant.

*Alexa, play Have My Heart by Maverick City and Chris Brown* 

Last week, I wrote about this feeling of being hidden in this season.

There are likely many seasons that we experience where it feels as though we’ve been purposely shielded from whatever it may be.

But have you ever considered whether you feel hidden, or whether you’re hiding? 

That’s a hard question I had to ask myself – repeatedly – over the last few days.

Was I hiding myself from God – or from people?

Moment of honesty – this is a safe space, right? – I was.

I’m well enough into a fresh new week to be able to own the fact that I was isolating.

I was owning the “season of hiding” as an identity that was almost encouraging me to pull away from my closest relationships, and in turn, lean into the excuse that this was God’s doing.

I was swirling in selfishness, and false thought patterns, and a total victim mentality. 

It was ugly. Looking back, I am ashamed, and I think I felt that same shame in the moment which only amped up my desire to hide.

Which brings me back to my original curiosity: Am I being hidden…or am I hiding?

Here’s the thing: 

It’s not uncommon for us to hide the things we don’t want others to see.  

The sins.

The emotions.

The flesh.

My ugliness from last week.

We fear the judgement. We want to be seen, in peoples’ eyes, in a particular light.

We want to feel strong. Like, we have it all together. All the time. 

Spoiler alert: We don’t. None of us do.

The problem with performing for people is that we think – emphasis on the word THINK – that we’re hiding these same things from God too. Like He can’t see the sins.

The emotions.

The flesh.

The ugliness in our weeks.

For some, there’s a false belief that our Creator will keep His love on for us if we just hide these not so beautiful parts of ourselves.

If we close the door on a particular bedroom because…well…it’s messy in there.

We need to realize is that 1) His love for us never turns off. It’s ALWAYS on. And 2) there’s nothing that’s hidden from Him. Or nothing that should be. He’s the only one that can see through our crap. He’s omniscient. 

All seeing.

All knowing.

So even in those moments when we think we’re hiding or we’re trying to put on a show or perform for God, He knows the intent behind it. He knows the truth of what we try so hard to hide. 

If you’re closing doors and restricting His access, if you aren’t allowing God to invade the nooks and crannies of your house, do you really want Him to be the director of your life?

Be the Lord of my emotions

Set me free from selfish motives

And search me til there’s nothing hidden

I’ll give you everything.

The song’s strong.

Take a listen.

It’s the soundtrack behind what I’m working through this week. 

Still feeling untethered.

Still chiseling away at all the feels.

Unearthing these selfish motives.

No pretending.

Merely asking God to search me, to pull out the ugly weeds that need plucking so I’m not living in my flesh, and not living in a place of hiding…especially with something of such incredible value.