I find myself dancing in the “in between” lately.
In between living safe, and living fully awake.
In between self employment and, now, full time employment (again).
In between owning my yeses in confidence, and clinging to my comforts in doubt.
In between wanting to be pleasing to God, and still wanting to somehow be pleasing to people, too.
In between the stillness of my right now, and the expectancy of what lies ahead.
The “in between” is a space I’ve been in before.
Often.
And this weekend, the Pastor gave a visual at church when recapping the story in Luke 5 of Peter making the courageous decision to say yes and let down His net, at God’s direction. He said “can you believe God in the in between – like, when you’re still rowing out to the promise? Or do you give up, give in, and head back towards what’s comfortable?”
Peter rowed, until God showed up.
And that’s where I find myself.
Rowing, until God shows up. Far enough away from the old (though still in my eyesight), but not quite to where I know He’s taking me.
There’s one “in between” that I’ve been trying to navigate since the start of the year.
It’s one that, if I’m not careful, has the potential to wreck everything that I believe I’m purposed to do.
A few months ago, I shared a story about a friend of mine who had a differing opinion when it came to the practice of “self care.” Said friend positioned self care and sacrifice on opposite ends of a boxing ring. Opponents. One vs. the other. At least, as it related to faith.
And that was a tough pill to swallow. It ruminated within me for days.
I questioned everything.
Was this of God?
Was He behind this self care business of mine, or was I creating something selfishly under the guise of a purpose?
What did I even believe?
On MANY days, I have curiosities and questions regarding how we live on this Earth vs. God’s heart and intent for us on this Earth. But this notion that self care was, in some ways, selfish reared its head again during a tithing moment at church one Sunday. And once again, hearing it in a setting of faith, rubbed at me like sandpaper.
This complete and total abandonment of self talk really jacked me up.
Because unpopular opinion? I think there DOES need to be a focus on self. I agree – not in a vain way, and not in a woe-is-me, victim kinda way – but in a self-exploration kinda way.
To know what’s inside of you.
To know how God’s wired you.
Or who He’s wired you for.
To do the internal work and find the things that fan your inner fire.
To find your red threads.
Is self care rooted in the gospel? I’m sure one could construct quite the defense. But how many times have you seen the words “hustle” or “busy” in the Bible? Yeah, me neither. Self care is God’s idea. Abundance is our promise. We aren’t meant to live small, or to sleepwalk our way through life – with busyness and hustle as the numbing cream to all that we are. He wants us to pay attention to ourselves! To our minds, and our bodies, and our feelings, and our relationships. To our triggers, and our glimmers (that’s a new one, thanks TikTok). There’s such a beauty in focusing inwards.
There’s power in knowing who you are and what God’s put inside of you.
When you get away from yourself so much, you have no idea what’s yours. You’ll never know His design for you. You’ll constantly be molding and morphing yourself to be like the people you’re killing yourself to serve.
I believe so firmly that He wants you to know who you are.
As I continue to encourage women and champion them towards self care, it’s not my desire to abandon sacrifice and service. Quite the opposite, it’s a marriage. It’s a practice of sacrifice of self and service to self, with the end goal of deeper intimacy. My passion comes from the fact that we, women primarily, seem to disregard care of self because the enemy has tricked us into believing that 1) it’s selfish and therefore, not of God and 2) we have to choose one over the other. It’s self care OR it’s sacrifice.
And I disagree.
Like with so much, I believe we can live in both.
I don’t believe God is asking us to balance, or to choose, but rather to live fully in each, dependent on the needs of your current season, or current moment.
So I’m dancing in the in between.
In between sacrifice, and service.
In between fullness of schedule, and fulfillment of purpose.
In between an outpouring, and a refilling.
Peter rowed, until God showed up.
And that’s where I am – rowing.
Knowing God is showing up in each stroke of my oar.
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