I got into a fight last week. Totally duked it out. Tears and all. And ughhhh, I am not a fighter, people! I’M A LOVER.

But I hopped in the ring last week and had it out. 

With myself. 

It was not my best performance. 

On my worst day, about 10 minutes after completely melting down during a mom conversation, someone on Instagram sent me a video DM (scroll down to watch) and I was smacked in the face with the reality of where I currently sit. 

This is not a “woe is me” cry for the season I’m in. I think it’s so completely relatable to so many people because we take these big leaps and we make these huge decisions and our faith is super on fire. But the reality is that we still have this flesh part of us that is gripped with fear and worry and this need for control. It’s really a battle of faith and flesh on a daily basis. And that’s what my time in the ring was last week – faith vs. flesh. I battled back and forth with every plan I’d made about life and business. And after a number of days, I came to the prayerful decision that I’d need to secure employment once again. At least, for the time being.

Maaan, did that send me into a spiral.

You’re going backwards.

You failed.

What was the point?

Do you even trust God?

You’re a fraud.

The thoughts pitted me against everything that my productive, recovering performance based identity had strived for. I strived for movement and productivity and success and progress. So I struggled with the thought that I was “failing backwards.” 

But after the message at church on Sunday – about peace and how PEOPLE can really be the deterrent to our peace, I realized that I wasn’t necessarily in the ring with myself, but with all of the expectations I assumed other people would have of my decision – even if they weren’t true. Here I was, attempting to make a decision for me, AND from them. Which is why it wasn’t working. Which is why I was swirling in confusion. Which is why I lost my peace.

As I’ve trudged through the last few days, really pushing aside the opinions and judgements of others and seeking Him on my own, He’s beginning to give me reasons FOR it, rather than AGAINST it, revealing to me the uniqueness in how He wraps His opportunities and experiences. I don’t want to be someone who pushes away His blessing so many times that POOF! He no longer presents them to me. I had this idea of what things should look like in this season, expectation and vision. So when opportunities were presented that weren’t wrapped in something I recognized, I brushed it off. But what IF God was moving through these packages? What if this was Him?

So I took a step. 

This is what I’d hope The Nest to be. A place where we can have conversations like this. Because what I don’t want is a space where women feel like they have to show up all put together. This isn’t a space where they have to restrict the reality of what they really want (read: need) to share. One where they have to speak in code….”oh, I’m struggling this week.” WHAT ARE YOU STRUGGLING WITH?

I’m showing up today saying “hey, self-employment is NOT what I thought it would be. And it’s actually very hard. And it’s actually going to take a lot longer to get to the vision that I saw for myself than originally planned. And that might look like ‘hey I took this big, bold leap and it might look courageous to you, but I actually have to take an even more courageous step to jump back into a job and own the reality of my circumstances.” That’s not easy to say, but it’s the kind of conversations I’d love to share with the women within The Nest so that we can combat doubt and fear and transition and expectation…together. We should stand with one another, honor one another and champion one another. There’s nothing like having a group of women around you that can say “hey, no matter what decision you made, we’re here for you. We believe in you. We’re encouraging you. We know that you can do it. And we know God’s still got His hand on you.”

Life’s hard. And some days, it really sucks. It’s not the way you thought. The road isn’t linear and pretty and clean. It’s windy and rollercoaster-y. But we know that, in the end, God weaves it all together in beauty. And that’s what I’m leaning on and trusting in wholeheartedly right now as I step into a new month and a new chapter, all the while celebrating my first 90 days working for myself! And it’s not over – I’m still working for myself. I’m still moving forward with The Nest. I still have retreats on the docket. I still have in person events happening. Nothing has changed, as it pertains to my business – I’m just adding a little seasoning on the back end in order to keep the train moving along. 

I’m always looking for Him. I’m always looking for His leading. So no matter where I go, I have a trust in that. That no matter what road I turn down, my eyes are always seeking His to cover me and to put me where I need to be.

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Here’s the video