CREATE Dgroup NEWSLETTER.

FINISH party to-do list.

Order inventory, DUDE.

Fix YOUR website.

Don’t forget to post something today.

Wait, what blog post goes out this week?

WHY ARE ALL YOUR BLOG POSTS EMOTIONAL, BTW?

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA WRITE SOMETHING FUN & LIGHTHEARTED?

Finish your homework.

WAIT, What module should you be on?

(…with 18423 little fires going on at work in between…)

STOP.

Calm your brain, Monique.

When I say the word “calm,” I almost always think of my counseling office. My happy place. Well, one of them at least. I’m prone to think of the beach, a spa treatment room, or a swing at the park as well. But when I walk through the doors of my therapist’s office, I feel like my heartbeat immediately slows down, my jaw releases, and whatever I came in the door with politely slips off my back. It’s almost immediate that I feel lighter. I feel calmer. I feel clearer.

I’m needing a little of that feeling. Because it kinda feels like I’m losing my calm lately. Wait…no…I’m absolutely losing my calm lately. I’m on edge a little too often. I’m craving social activity so I’m saying “yes” to everything, not maintaining the boundaries around my “no,” I keep pushing back goal deadlines. I don’t smile at work anymore (…and that’s major!). And guys, earlier this week, I fell asleep at 7:30 PM. SEVEN THIRTY. So yeah, two hours of “me time.” 2 HOURS!

Any of these, individually, are enough to make me crazy, but collectively? As I said, I’m totally losing my calm.

When this happens, I tend to schedule a #WeekofNo. Just to pull back, clear my mind and push reset. But I just had 3 weeks of no. In another country, to boot. I should be completely reset and refocused. I should have the energy to take on the last 3 months of the year with gusto. But I don’t. So what’s getting in the way?

Could it be the that it’s the end of October already and I was supposed to launch my business in July?

Or maybe its the fact that my mind moves way too fast for my hands, heart and wallet to keep up with!

But it’s likely the struggle of a soul-draining 9-5 that saps my energy every morning and leaves me completely depleted every afternoon. If I’m being honest, since my return from vacation, this place has felt more like a patience challenge than a job. And I’m not doing well at all. I’m reminded, daily, how difficult it is to interact with people. I’m reminded, daily, which personalities do NOT mesh well with mine. And I’m reminded, daily, why LoveMo weighs so heavily on my heart. Feeling undervalued and unappreciated in the workplace only intensifies the self-care needed to highlight my value. To appreciate myself even when it feels like no one else does. But silver lining: Though my job drains my enthusiasm, it completely energizes my creative buds. The what-ifs and what-life-could-look-likes come alive and the mundane encourages this insane dreaming. The struggle then becomes finding the physical energy to execute these ideas after 10-12 hour days and a 2 hour round-trip traffic delay. And then its this schedule, day after day, that leaves me with very little free time which only feeds the need for encouraging social interaction, hence my constant “yes.”

Oh, there have been many times since I’ve returned from my trip where finding a new job would be such an easy solution. Such a quick fix. Such a welcome distraction. And such a shift in my mood. But you see, that’s what I do best. I distract myself. I attempt to shift my mood, never considering that its only temporary. I focus so fervently on what’s next that I miss what’s in front of me. Yes, maybe it would be 1000 times easier to just find a new job (…though that search proves otherwise). 1000 times better to just get away and start fresh. But then again, maybe it would be 1000 times harder too. 1000 more difficult personalities to navigate. 1000 times more stressful and just one more thing to add to my exhaustive to-do list. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling to find my calm. Because I’m really struggling to find my contentment.

Contentment

Another word. Another theme. Another heart check. Contentment’s been heavy on my heart since my singleness post and I think its easy to understand from that lens – finding contentment in your season of single when you desire the next chapter in life is probably normal for most. But if that time of reflection gifted me anything, it was the permission to find contentment IN my season even if I’m not content WITH my season. For as long as I can remember, I’ve focused on trying to find contentment WITH a situation, so much that I don’t actually participate IN that situation. I rush through chapters in hopes of reaching the next. “Did I check all the boxes?” “Can I move on now?” “I don’t like this feeling/experience/person/etc. Next!” How sweet, simple and specific the reminder in an Elevation Church sermon:

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“Contentment will never be found in the next season if you can’t cultivate it in the now.”

wade joye

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The now.

The present.

Today.

Gosh, I can remember exactly where I was driving when that quote fell on me like a tons of bricks.

How many of wake up in the morning and thank God for another day? Another breath? Another chance at life? The ability to be a part of this world for one more day – to love someone, influence, lead, care for, or just be near someone? I do. I thank Him every morning for another day. But then I rush towards the next this or the next that, I’m always focused on what’s ahead, and my attitude displays discontentment towards the present moment that I just thanked God for five hours earlier. Ouch! I’m doing it all wrong. No wonder I can’t find my contentment.

I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling when I started writing this. I just knew I was frazzled. Snappy. Negative. Totally fake-smiling in public. Scrolling Instagram envying and deeply admiring people who seemed to have it all together. And then I remembered my old “Heart Check” post and therein that thought lied some clarity. So I’m challenging myself for the next week to pause.

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P . A . U . S . E .

Pause. ADMIRE. Unplug. Soak. Express Gratitude.

PAUSE

Stop for a moment. Push the pause button and take a deep breath. Sometimes when we stop our brains or our hands for even a second, it gives us time to calm. It offers a gateway for clarity to enter, for God to speak, or for emotions to shift to a healthier state.

ADMIRE

What’s that saying, something about “today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present?” Today is a gift. Admire your surroundings. Focus on the good. But most of all, be present. I love Emily Ley’s saying, “Be where your feet are.” Here. In the now. Right in this moment. Because there are things your eyes were meant to see today. And words your ears were meant to hear. There is beauty in what you experience today.

UNPLUG

For some, this may need to be a physical unplugging of electronics – maybe a social media cleanse or an app time limitation. For others, this will simply be an act of self-care or an indulgence that hasn’t been previously scheduled. For me, the unplug will likely include a few more declined invitations for social outings. An opportunity for my brain to rest and have a few more “me” hours in my day.

SOAK

This one will look different for everyone, but mainly this is your time to listen to a sermon, read your Bible or a really good book, or grab a pen and write something. Even if you have incomprehensible thoughts, put your pen on a piece of paper. Draw something, scribble, write words that you feel floating across your brain. This is a solitary time to allow your mind to wander, brain dump or simply create space for clarity. Things not to do in this time: Netflix binge, social outings, work.

EXPRESS GRATITUDE

it always circles back to gratitude, doesn’t it? I’m in the middle of an online course where we’re focused, this week, on highlighting our gratitude. We’re jotting down 1000 things we are grateful for. Yes, ONE THOUSAND. But it totally works! I’m about a dozen in and already, my outlook is lifting. Thought I’d give it a whirl as I revisit the very thoughts that had me in my funk and inspired this entire post:

PAUSE.

Calm your brain, Monique.

Maybe I did have every intention to launch my business in July and I’m creeping up on the cusp of November still behind the scenes. But thank you, God, for the idea of entrepreneurship that I have in my brain. The ability to have more flexibility in creativity and in scheduling. Isn’t that the idea? The knowledge that life will happen but the freedom to build around that? That’s what I want it to be for me. I want more grace when things don’t go according to plan. I want to allow “fun” to get in the way sometimes. But above all, I always want to be rooted in my “why” – remembering the little seedling that was planted years ago. The company that was birthed, placing self-care on a platform. SELF. CARE. I come first. I have to if I want this whole thing to work. Grateful for the growing and healing that’s occurred in a way that I can now recognize my value, but more importantly, I can recognize my body and acknowledge its need for rest and maintenance. At the end of the day, the schedule can wait.

Maybe my brain is too fast to keep up with, but I’m grateful for a brain so complex and the capacity to have a million tabs open at any given time. I’m grateful for brain function and creative DNA…lots and lots of creative DNA. I’m grateful for beautiful handwriting and the old soul within that prefers pen and paper to technology. But also grateful for technology, because I need somewhere to keep it all clean and organized. I’m grateful for all of the ideas that hit me whenever something hits my senses. And Lord, I’m eternally grateful for the finances that somehow allow these things to happen. Someway, somehow, You always make a way.

Ahh, but then there’s the job. And through gritting teeth, I will find my gratitude in this. Above all else, I truly am grateful for a job. For such responsibility. And for being a reliable, honest and dependable colleague – being reminded everyday by the volume of work and the many directions I feel pulled in. I’m grateful for patience. Oooooh, I’ll say that again. I’M GRATEFUL FOR PATIENCE. Grateful – and awestruck – by God’s intricate design of so many different personalities. In 33 years, I have yet to find two people who are exactly alike and yet there are qualities in each of us that attract us to one another. I’m grateful for my experience with these personalities and the ways in which they grow me and help me grow in relationship with others. I’m grateful for all the nosy people in San Diego who cause traffic delays each morning and each afternoon, for these uncontrolled slow downs allow opportunities to rest and soak. I’m grateful that in those moments where I am lacking social interaction that I have those connections to draw close to, for there was once a time I prayed for that. So, so much. I’m grateful that I’m finding my calm through writing and that getting words off my heart and untangled from my brain makes me feel lighter. Calmer. Clearer.

I should probably take these gratitudes to my list of 1000. But see? It works! Turns out I’m not losing my calm. I’m actually finding it. And better yet, I’m finding the calm that comes from contentment in the now.

Best encouragement I can offer:

When you’re starting to feel frazzled, snappy, negative and totally fake-smiling in public, PAUSE and take a moment to “be where your feet are.”