My sweet Koko,
When I look at you, I see your mommy, my first baby love. I see your mommy and I often wonder if I looked at her in the same ways I look at you. Sure, the love was just as deep, the attraction was just as strong, the only difference? About 18 years of maturity. Your mommy was my little doll. She was the first baby I can remember and I was absolutely obsessed with her. Always so proud to have her as my little sidekick, I took her everywhere with me. So much so, people would often asked if she was mine. And I always wished she was. I had a hard time watching her grow up because as she entered her teenage years, our time together lessened. By the start of 2018, we were scrounging together whatever time we could. In the weeks prior to your arrival, I was checking in on your mommy about once a week. In fact, the week of your birth, I saw her almost every single day. That Sunday, we went on our monthly date night – coffee and avocado toast at Better Buzz.
On Tuesday, the entire family went to dinner to celebrate Uncle Bobby’s birthday. And on Wednesday? Well, Wednesday is a day I’ll probably never forget. Wednesday, I went to work as usual. Drove home as usual. And received a text from your mommy, which was pretty usual.
“Are you free?”
The text that was often synonymous with a much needed vent session was met with my typical response. “Yesss, what’s going on?”
Only this time, it was different.
This time, the text I received back wasn’t the usual vent session. This time, it was a confession. Next came a phrase I wasn’t ready to read. A phrase I didn’t know how to respond to. A phrase that completely changed my world.
“I’m pregnant…” Sure there was a whole paragraph that came after, but my world stopped after those words. My first baby love was growing her first baby love. Without reading the rest of the text, I immediately called your mommy. I didn’t believe it. Funny joke, now what’s really going on? Only it wasn’t a joke. Her tears flowed from the other end and confirmed what my eyes had just seen. It took a few minutes and a lot of repetitive statements for the news to start soaking into a reality in my brain. And just as that process began, I heard a rambling of words that included “…I’m two centimeters dilated and I could have this baby any day now….” Pause. Long dramatic pause. Longer than long dramatic pause. I remember squeezing my eyes closed and then opening them. I remember pinching the top of my left hand as I talked to your mommy just to make sure this was, in fact, real life. I had only ever witnessed this stuff on TLC. Moments later, I somehow made it through the conversation. I calmed your mommy down, told her I loved her and then made my way to the house just so I could look your mommy in her eyes, give her a hug, and touch her belly (a.k.a you) for the first time. I saw her, saw the tiniest little belly, and sat on the couch in shock for hours. How did I miss this? How did I not notice anything during our time together? Wait, we were just at dinner together? And coffee? OMG! Where was my brain at?
When I got home later that night, I sat on the couch in a daze. I found myself reliving the last 9 months, dissecting any sort of sign, any type of indication that could’ve highlighted the growing of a baby inside your mommy’s womb. It was almost 1:00am when I finally closed my eyes, thoughts running through my head about the arrival of a baby in the next week. I was so excited for a little one to love on, but so scared and I just remember praying that you would be healthy and okay since we were all unaware of you until such late notice. By the time I closed my eyes that night, Thursday’s agenda had already included many trips to a baby store to stock up on whatever was needed (…everything!!!). I slept maybe 90 minutes. Maaaybe. Sometime before 3:00am, I got 3 phone calls and 2 texts alerting me that your mommy was in labor and headed to the hospital. And I just had to be there. Gigi (my mom, a.k.a Great Grandma) must have received a similar text because I was suddenly talking to her. She was in tears because though her physical body had to report to work, her mind, heart and spirit was headed with me to the hospital. Her first grand baby was having a baby. Running on autopilot, I threw on some jeans and a sweatshirt, called off of work, did another round of pinching my left hand, reassured Gigi that I’d check in with her every step of the way, and then headed out the door. Lord, is this really happening?
The next couple of hours were filled with lots of self-soothing, lots of prayer, even more encouragement for your mommy, and just an outpouring of complete and utter disbelief masked by a greater love. Your delivery was quick, and mannn, your mommy was such a warrior. As certain as I was that you would be the new center of attention for us all, I couldn’t help but be so proud of your mommy and her strength, both emotionally and physically. What a whirlwind week she had – we all had. And yet amidst the jumbled emotions circling our brains, you were here. So we just did what we do best…love.
Amidst the hum of collective “OMGs” and “Wait…what?,” I seemed to float on this cloud of perfect peace in the moments, hours, days and weeks that followed your birth. It’s almost as if my internal “OMG” translated into “Ohhhhh….MY GOD.” MY GOD was faithful. MY GOD handpicked our family to raise this tiny, little human. MY GOD looked at the imperfect and messy journey that was unfolding in our lives… He knew what the past held, He met us in this current moment, and He had this crystal clear image of where our road was headed next. And in that image, MY GOD saw it fit for you to be with us. MY GOD formed you in your mommy’s womb and called you out of that womb at the exact moment necessary to bring about peace in this family. My sweet Koko, your birth was the calm to a storm. Your birth introduced us to a love we never knew we needed and never knew could surface through such pain. A love so necessary for this very moment in time. Your birth was no surprise at all, for MY GOD knew all along. And from the first time I held you, that exact thought circled in my mind. And everyday since, I’ve wondered about your conversations in Heaven. The time you spent face to face with Jesus before you came here to Earth. How precious!
When I see you, my heart rejoices. The world seems so much brighter. My soul seems so much lighter. And every worry, fear, and to-do on the list just disappears in your presence. It has been every ounce of joyful to experience your first year of life. I thought loving your mommy was the deepest love I’d know, next to my own children someday. Oh, but Koko, you’ve proved me wrong. Our #BabyKhloAndAuntieMo time fills my cup each and every time and I look forward to watching you grow and being present in your life’s memories, just as I have with your mommy. I pray that you would always remember that even though Auntie Mo loves you endlessly, Jesus loves you so much more.
I once read that little children often look for love and security through eye contact. That a mere glance can provide safety, affirmation and love. My prayer is that my eyes would forever connect with yours, Koko. That with every glance in my direction, you would feel certain of my unending love for you. I pray for continued wisdom to guide you, for continued prayer to cover you, and for a love so deep, you would always feel safe & protected, valued, worthy and purposed all the days of your life. Happy 1st birthday, my sweet, sweet love. I’m ever so grateful for you.
Love, Auntie Mo
