I sat down to put together my yearly recap at the end of the year and found myself sitting there in a daze. For days.

I was completely and utterly overwhelmed with 2018. Truth be told, I’m still kinda processing. It was one of those years that took my breath away at certain points. One of those years that kinda made you forget everything that happened prior because so many big things happened in the year. One of those years that called for true stillness and reflection after the Christmas madness subsided.

And then I looked down at my wrist and found a bracelet. “Leap” was the word I selected on December 30, 2017. The word I vowed to think about, pray about, and intentionally live out in 2018. The word I hoped would keep me focused on the goals and desires I’d set aside for the year. Leap: to move quickly and suddenly, accept eagerly. See, I had LoveMo on the brain when I selected that word. I wanted to be fearless in the pursuit of the dream God put inside of me. But how often we make plans and God laughs, for what He’s written is always waaay better. And it took me the duration of the year to fully and finally trust that.

So, I thought I was “leaping” at the end of January when I registered for a creative small business owner’s conference I’d been stalking for years but never had the courage to sign up for. I knew, deep down, I belonged at this conference, but gosh, I was nervous and overwhelmed thinking about the many details I still needed to figure out before I traveled to North Carolina. I had 10 months…plenty of time.

Then February hit and an opportunity to join a 1-year Pastoral Support Team (PST) program at church entered stage left. In the middle of wrestling with my decision to join, that word “leap” offered a soft but forceful shoulder tap and changed everything. So again, I leaped. And without even realizing, the pause button was pressed on LoveMo. I didn’t realize in that moment that I’d need to sideline LoveMo. I didn’t realize that one “leap” into PST would set off a slew of spiritual attacks, causing my attention to focus on matters much bigger than LoveMo. But God knew. And still, in a million lifetimes, I would’ve never predicted the events that would shape much of my year. But I’m grateful He did. And I’m grateful for a word that spoke to my heart, allowing Him in to come in and re-position me in that season.

Just days after I committed to PST, we began a difficult chapter in my family. A rough few months, to say the least. The Spring brought a little sunshine after the rain and baby Khloe surprised us all, appearing unexpectedly one Thursday morning. She brought much-needed joy and hope to our family in the middle of the chaos and has continued to do so ever since.

By the summer, my job was weighing so heavy on my spirit. I cried when I thought about work. I dreaded getting out of bed in the mornings. And I slumped into the office each day. The work, I could handle. I’d been in the meetings and events industry for over 14 years and I actually enjoyed the job – I was having a really difficult year working with the people. The management company. I didn’t agree with their style, their attitude towards employees and their lack of interest in team morale. #ILoveAHappyOffice, but that was no longer my reality, so happy birthday to me: I found a new job! I accepted a promotion with a company that embraced my creativity, valued employee feedback, recognized employee efforts and made time to boost morale with team outings, events, etc. So up my alley.

But that first half of the year? That was hard to navigate. I was thankful for Sundays. Thankful for the PST program. Thankful for the group of women I was placed in. Thankful for my program mentor. Thankful for my pastor. Because when an entire family is weathering a storm, its so hard to find an outlet for your feelings and emotions. You can’t talk to one for fear of appearing to choose sides to another. No one cares about your work struggles because they’re facing their own. It was hard. And easy to feel alone. I was refreshed and encouraged by the time spent together with my life group gals. Much of that fellowship pulled me through the rough patches this year. I was challenged to become more transparent, to be okay with an “imperfect” life, and most importantly, to seek God’s face through it all. So yeah, take that Satan, #GodWins!

 

It was, in fact, one evening with these girls that served as a catalyst for one of the best journeys of my year. No wait, my life. Counseling. I’d heard the small talk and mumbling about this amazing counselor but my head was so clouded with distraction that I wasn’t fully connecting the dots. But one night, we were sitting around talking and Lori’s name came up again. This time, I was fully paying attention and I asked immediately for her business card. That was a Friday. I spoke with her on Monday and had my first appointment that Thursday. And since the start of September, I’ve hardly missed a week with her. Oh, I could write books on my few months sitting on that couch. And maybe one day I will. Counseling has been the therapy my soul has longed for, for years! In a season of life where I so desperately needed to speak, to express, to FEEL, it’s been life-changing experience in the best of ways. Together, Lori and I worked through worth, shame, boundaries, co-dependency, grief and as cliché as it may sound, I discovered myself on that couch. Seeking counsel this year was such a perfect example of God’s timing and understanding that God’s ways are perfect. Just as I was learning about the way my heart was wired, what its needs are, how it functions at its most whole state, and how it connects to others, the lights on LoveMo, which had been dimmed at the start of the year, started to brighten. I was headed to the creatives conference with a new appreciation for this big ol’ heart of mine.

*sigh* Creative at Heart. That week represented so much of what I’ve desired – belonging, connection, encouragement, belief in the dream, ya know that feeling when your heart has just found its home? That. I was on mental and emotional overload. It was through Creative at Heart that I realized the power in your story. In MY story. And in how our story is – or should be – woven into the fabric of our business. What was my story? How could I possibly take a year of lemons and make something comparable to lemonade? I sat on that question for days after the conference. And then my brain somehow formed a highlight reel of 2018. It went something like this:

Monique, you discovered your “why” as a result of stories that were shared and relationships that were formed at the conference. A conference which held deeper meaning because of your time on Lori’s couch. And Lori’s couch happened because of the repeated conversation from your PST group. Remember, that PST group that was formed by accident from the overflow of another group? (well, accident to us, God knew the whole time) Remember how unexpected the change was? Kinda as unexpected as baby Khloe in the midst of the storm, huh? What storm? Oh yea, that one that picked up intensity as soon as you joined PST. And PST is what sidelined LoveMo for the year. We’ve come full circle.

Wow, thank you, Lord.

Only You could hit pause and insert a new direction. Only You could infuse incredible joy into a tumultuous storm. Only You know the role certain opportunities play in our lives, the relationships that form and grow through those opportunities and the challenges that often lead to beautiful stories of healing and victory.

And then it hit me: Only God could “LoveMo” the way He did this year.

He loved me through it all.
He aligned me with others who loved me despite it all.
And He taught me to love myself above it all.

And there’s no way I could’ve shared my story or even attempted to start a business about loving others without first believing and loving myself.

Leap: to jump or spring a long way, to a great height, or with great force

Not the original definition I intended to fulfill, but His ways are better than our ways. And He totally nailed my word for 2018.