(sigh) This blog is long overdue. Or maybe its right on time. Who knows?

Last night, I accidentally deleted a post before going live. And I had a mini freak out moment. Ok, total transparency? It was a total freak out moment. BIG. I may or may not have had actual tears welling up in my eyes. But as the night went on and I was assured there was no possible way to retrieve the lost document and all the many words within that document, I shifted my brain into rewriting something similar. And I heard the softest whisper at the end of the night:

IT’S OKAY TO GROW SLOW.

For months, I’ve been attempting to slow down. To un-clench my fists, release the need for control and simply be. The clarity that comes from freeing your mind of the need to have it all together has allowed me to really lean into this whole LoveMo gig and find its purpose.

A few weeks ago, I came across this encouraging phrase: “It’s okay to grow slow.” I’ve saved the screenshot, like, 8 times just so I knew I had it nearby. It’s something I wanted to say to myself daily, a continual reminder to run my own race. For years, I’ve had this dream on my heart. I didn’t quite know what it looked like, I didn’t always know what it would be called, but I knew it was there. I knew it was connected to my purpose. And as my path aligned with other creatives, I’d find myself inspired and motivated to sprint to match their positioning. Year after year would pass, without their harvest reflected in my life. And I’d actually have the nerve to get frustrated, depleted, discouraged. Why isn’t their story playing out like that for me? While 2018 totally checked me, in a few harsh – but needed – ways, I still found myself whipping out my laptop between Christmas and New Years trying to pull together the dozen or so partially completed blog posts on my site so I could launch something by January 1. Rush, rush, rush. Panic, panic, panic. And then January 1st came and went.

Pause. Breathe.

(*read the screenshot again*) IT’S OKAY TO GROW SLOW.

Why are you rushing, Monique? So others can see you and think you’re starting off the year on a positive note? So you can feel accomplished in the first month of a new year? So you can prove you are moving towards “the dream?” Check your heart. Are you running Monique’s race, or trying to run someone else’s? 

I have no idea what I’m doing with all of this. Yep, still. And you’ll hear me say that a lot. Because I don’t. Some days, I am overwhelmed (in a good way!) with thoughts, desires, words to share. And other days, the only words I have are “Lord, help me get out of bed.” I suppose there is something beautiful about learning and growing with others, falling on your face and getting back up, taking a risk without reward in a public setting. Perhaps there’s a reason for my attraction to those stories in which the writer just shares how unqualified, unprepared and unskilled they are in something they are pursuing. That’s where I see God’s power.

And let’s be real. I never actually run during a race anyway. I’ve always been the casual walk-n-talk kinda gal. So why is this such a challenge? The one time the Lord actually wants me to casually stroll between seasons is the one time I want to sprint. Go figure. May 2019 be the year I embrace my own race, slow down, and allow the story to unfold just as it should.