We’ve officially entered the final month of the first quarter and I’m not sure if that excites me or scares me. Remember, I felt the Lord had something pretty big for me in the first quarter of the new year – and if a stolen car and all the trauma wound up in that wasn’t enough, my sweet mama landed in the hospital for a few days late last month. In that moment, twenty-twentyFREE felt more like twenty-twentyFREAKOUT.

Sigh.

But I’m happy to be back in your inbox this week and even happier to report that my mama is now home and healing.

There were many moving pieces while my mom was in the hospital, including the return of the rental car I’d been using for the last month or so. I’d just wrapped up a massive event week at work so on top of an immense fatigue came #allthefeels. Many thoughts. Many breakdowns. Many requests for prayer. For my mama. For me. For it all.

On my mom’s third night in the hospital, I made a last minute decision to stay overnight with her. I knew she was growing absolutely restless and the nurse she’d had the previous two nights would not be assigned to her that evening. My grandma’s nursing blood ran through my veins in that moment and I found myself requesting a blanket and pillow for the night. I remember thinking earlier that evening “I’ll either leave at the nurse changeover and grab dinner on my way home, OR I’ll leave soon, grab some dinner and return before the nurse changeover.” I was starving, but wasn’t certain on what I wanted to do. When the nurse changeover occurred, and I’d made the decision to stay over, I realized that both of my options to eat had quickly disappeared. I sat in that cold hospital room, hungry, but distracted by the scroll of my phone and it dawned on me: I’m uncomfortable receiving from other people.

This is not a “don’t do it” type of ‘uncomfortable.’ It’s very much something I’m simply experiencing more and more this year that’s creating this curiosity as to why I struggle so much. I can’t count the number of texts I’d received that week –

“Do you need anything?”

“Let me know if you need anything. I’m here. Whatever you need.”

“Let me know if you want to borrow my car.”

“I’m so sorry. I want to come give you a big hug. Do you want a matcha or anything while you wait with her?”

“Seriously, call me. Even if it’s just to get food or whatever.”

“Let me know if there’s anything that would be helpful for me to bring by the hospital.”

“You can borrow my car next week if you need it.”

“Hi, I’m awake if you need to talk. Love you”

“Food, water, matcha, ibuprofen. All important today. Let me know if you need it and I’ll be right over.”

People ready to come to the hospital, to drop off food, to offer a car in the midst of everything that’d gone on the last two months. Just the sweetest and most thoughtful gestures. The sacrifice. The giving. Makes me emotional now just thinking about how generous the people I have around me are, and how silly I feel thinking that I’m a burden if I take them up on their offer.

Last month, I asked a few folks to pen some testimonials for my new website. When those testimonials came in last week, I was floored. The most specific and poignant words – words so perfect for my new venture. Words so aligned with everything I want to do and create. But when I read through them all, I found myself wanting to counter their affirmation with affirmation…for THEM. Like I needed to return the favor and give, not fully receiving the gift which they had just given me. Does that make sense?

My curiosity is peaked these days. I’ve had plenty in which to request prayer for. So the care and compassion has been overwhelming. But I find there are two bubbles which I fall in and I’m wondering if you fall into any of these too:

1. There’s those who have trouble receiving, or asking for something, for fear that they are burdensome or imposing something additional on one’s already-full plate.
2. And then there are those who have trouble truly receiving, as they often reciprocate one’s generosity with their own.

But feeling like a burden to those around you can make it hard to be your authentic self and ask for what you need. And constantly returning generosity or affirmation not only prohibits you from learning to fully receive, but also minimizes the blessing someone else may be trying to bestow upon you.

Those are my reminders this week as I posture myself to be able to receive better.

And to believe that my own generosity opens the way for receiving.