My nana is in her final stages of life. 

Perhaps, her final days. 

And I’m hoping that by writing about it, and processing my feelings around it all, that it will help me through this grief process. 

My nana is my last living grandparent so I’ve been through this before.

I’ve said goodbye to my grandparents before. 

I’ve said goodbye to dozens of loved ones, in fact.

More than I’ve wished to, at my age.

It never gets easier. 

So as much as I’m not looking forward to the next couple of days (or weeks, or months, or years…) of feelings, they’re not new feelings. 

And I don’t necessarily know if that’s good or bad. 

But while she’s my last living grandparent, she is the one I’ve seen suffer the longest. And in a weird way, while I’m feeling a deep sadness about her not being around anymore, I also feel this strange sense of peace that she’ll soon be healed and completely restored, free of all her suffering. And free of the heartache of missing her sister, and her son, and most importantly, my poppa, who departed in 2012. Through tear stained cheeks, I smile at the visual of their reunion.

I remember losing my grandma in 2007 – the first significant loss in my life. The one that really just broke apart life as I’d really ever known it.

On the back of my grandma’s program was this poem called Broken Chain. 

We little knew that morning

that God was going to call your name.

In life we loved you dearly, 

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

You did not go alone;

For part of us went with you, 

The day God called you home. 

You left us peaceful memories, 

Your love is still our guide;

And though we cannot see you, 

You are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken,

And nothing seems the same;

But as God calls us one by one, 

The chain will link us again. 

I can’t help but hold on to the visual that, while my grandma’s death shattered my world and busted the links of our chain, when my nana passes, the chains will link again.

And somehow it just feels right.

It feels wrong, but it feels right.

And having all four pillars in my life together again ushers in this strange sense of completion.

I don’t know if this blogging is actually helping me process or just making me ugly cry. 

But it’s my nana who gets some credit when it comes to my blogging. 

I think I have expressed therapy as the start of my blogging experience – perhaps I should clarify that therapy was the start of the deep emotional expression through writing. But I actually started “blogging” the day I moved to Las Vegas to finish my degree. 

Fun fact. 

My nana wanted to know about my experience at UNLV.

She wanted to go to college with me, in a sense.

So I started a blog/website and vowed to write as much as I could and upload pictures when available so family could check in and keep up with my time away from home. 

It became our way of communicating.

It became our point of connection. 

It became our thing. 

I blogged for two years straight – almost every day. 

That blog now sits bound on my nightstand – a memoir from that moment in time.

One that, especially this week, reminds me of those email responses I’d get from my nana, as she checked in on the blog each day.

COLLEGE BLOG

As I try and pluck each and every emotion from my heart this week, I’ve been thinking about all of the experiences I’ve had in death.

All of the ways I’ve reacted.

And how different a person I am from my first loss to preparing for my next.

Both of these women – my grandmothers – I credit with my faith.

From my earliest memories, my grandmothers both spoke the name of Jesus in their homes.

They instilled prayer in our families. 

They really were steadfast in their faith. 

And I know that because of them (and with them), I have pursued the faith that I have today. 

I can recognize that it was faith that got me through my grandmother’s passing – and all of the other passings that followed – and I know it’s my faith that I’m leaning on as I prepare for another significant loss in my life.

Prayers welcome.