Last week, I did something totally crazy.

I tendered my resignation at work.

(collective gasp!)

I have a variety of reasons behind my decision but I believe, at the base of it all, is a strong desire to live the abundant life that God calls us to. And a part of that abundant life is this ever-growing desire for MORE.

Sprinkled amongst the multitude of thoughts that debut in my mind daily is this thought that simply has to be MORE to life.

MORE within me.

MORE ahead.

MORE people to love.

MORE space to take up.

MORE life to grab ahold of.

I felt settled in a lot of ways. 

In a lot of areas, to be honest.

Work just so happened to be one of those areas.

There were a number of additional reasons that probably didn’t help sway my decision towards staying, but ultimately it was because of more.

Since declaring MORE as my word of the year for 2023, the tension to stay put started to nag at me. The discomfort came to ahead early this month and resulted in my resignation. Ready for a plot twist? 

I just so happened to tender my resignation the very same week that my boss tendered hers.

I share her news because it has added an entire layer of complexity as it relates to grieving the old and stepping into the new.

I knew last week was going to be a big week as the news would become public. It had been shared between our team for some time, but I knew the word was going to get out to the rest of the staff. And when people come into the picture, you take their reactions and/or expectations into play…so that brought up a whole new set of feelings to wrestle with. It changed the way I felt about my own news. I struggled with this resignation way more than I thought I was going to, and way more than I have with others before.

When you’re stepping out in faith and walking into a new season, it’s an exciting time. It’s new. God’s prepared you and now He’s calling you up. It’s a good thing, right? Yes! For sure! But in that excitement, it can feel like the heavier side of grief is somewhat unseen, ignored or pushed down. The focus is on whatever primary emotion is displayed. And who would walk around voluntarily resigning only to be miserable? I get it. But I realized pretty quickly that there were a lot of unseen, heavy feelings accompanying my excitement. A lot of analysis. And even more comparison. 

I was expectant for this new season and believed firmly that this was a God thing (…ummmm, I would NOT be quitting without another source of income lined up!!!) but I was still unsettled.

Still scared.

Still worried, and fearful, and sorry to leave behind relationships that I’d cultivated over time. There was a whole lot of new on the horizon.

Change, which I grieve all the time. 

So basically, this is just a morning rant on how hard it is to grieve. And how totally valid your feelings are even if they make no sense or all the sense. I haven’t really known how to process both sides of my grief this week. And because I don’t know how to grieve or celebrate or express the salsa dance I’m doing between the two, others don’t seem to know how to interact with me….which has trickled into feelings of rejection. Oh, what fun! 

I got to spend some amazing quiet time at the beach on Friday morning (which I HIGHLY recommend!) and I closed out an emotional week – or few weeks – by resting confidently in this truth: 

“I AM GRIEVING IN THIS SEASON. And it’s okay. It is bittersweet and beautiful. It is courageous and absolutely crazy. It is messy and it is mine. 

I am SO excited for the next – I’m SO ready!!!!!! But I’m equally sad. I don’t love change. I know it’s necessary and good, but it’s still hard for me. I don’t want to leave behind people that I absolutely adore. I feel guilty for leaving Kendra alone, and gutted to step out from under Michele’s leadership and covering. I don’t want to let anyone down. I thrive on being someone who’s dependable and available. 

But I know that, in this upcoming season, God is asking me to be dependable and available…to myself. I AM GRIEVING IN THIS SEASON. And it’s okay. It is bittersweet and beautiful. It is courageous and absolutely crazy. It is messy and it is mine.”