It’s been unexplainable.

For days.

This uncomfortable feeling that I just don’t belong in my new role.

“Is it the people?,” some would ask.

“Is it really hard?,” others would suggest.

My answer, always the same to both: No.

That wasn’t it.

The problem was, I couldn’t quite nail down what “it” was.

Almost weekly, I’d find myself questioning my movement over the last few weeks.

If I made the right choices.

If I heard God correctly.

Why was I here?

I felt that audibly blare across the PA system in my head.

And everytime I heard it the loudest, God would send me someone – in the office – to answer that exact question. To affirm. To snap me back into the reality of my current positioning.

Last Thursday, as I made my way home, I called my mom. Now my mom typically keeps her phone calls pretty minimal, as heading “home” means heading to the same house she resides in. But Thursday night, we shared a conversation that spanned my entire drive home and in that call, I found a little source of clarity that I’m PRAYING will soothe some of the discomfort I’ve been swirling in for the last couple of weeks.

Let me give you a bit of context: Earlier in the day, I shared a conversation with my coworkers and mentioned that I felt a little “green” as the newest girl to the bunch. Their external reactions were completely contrary to what I was feeling internally. There…context complete.

I shared that day’s experience with my mom, whose heard my daily complaints and has been aware of my struggle to adapt.

“Whyyyy do I constantly oppose what others continue to affirm? Why don’t I see who they see?,” I cried out. (Not literal cries, more like a frustrated whining) And through our discussion, I (we) realized this: 

I’m confusing who I think they want to see with who I already am.

 My past work experience – in hotels, in sales & marketing, in trade show management, in weddings (!!!) – has included MANY high stress and overworked periods, long work days, mental exhaustion, complete and absolute depletion.

For SO many years.

I hit burnout… more than a few times.

My gift, amidst it all, is learning how to maintain a calm, cool demeanor. (The curse is carrying it all on the inside, but that’s a message for another day!)

After spending so many years encountering the same fatigue and the same mental stressors, I began to learn the value of self care and balance and rest…and when I applied those boundaries to my work routines, I learned how to attain certain amounts of work within designated work hours, to avoid overworking…to avoid those stressful meltdowns…to try and maintain some portion of my internal peace despite what’s happening externally. It kept my inner “performer” in routine.

So now, my calm, cool, collected being has entered a role where the terms “busy” and “long hours” feel like badges of honor sometimes. I’ve felt this need to STRIVE in order to feel like I’m keeping up with the rest. My inner “performer” wants to do, do, do just to prove her worth. It’s a mental struggle for me. On one hand, I keep repeating over and over again “you’re enough, just as you are” but on the other hand, I find myself reverting back to a place I can easily identify with…a stage where I know i can excel, if only I sacrifice my well being (and my time!).

But I get stuck smack in the middle – I don’t belong on that stage anymore. I don’t mesh with overwork and high stress. My experience has proven that I can belong on the other side, just as I am.

That conversation with my mom was so worth it. To realize that I’d been looking for “performer” Monique to fulfill a role that only “right now” Monique could fulfill…I can only pray that God continues to remind me of the work He’s done within me and exactly how He plans to use it for each and every next step.

Encouragement for the day?

Be YOU.

The places you’re in RIGHT NOW need the you RIGHT NOW!