August 23rd has been marked on my calendar for months.

“FIRST DAY OF GRAD SCHOOL!!!” it reads.

Yes, three exclamation marks and all.

This evening, hundreds of new graduate students will join thousands more for the start of in-person graduate studies at San Diego State University (SDSU).

And I will not be one of them.

If you thought last week’s work resignation announcement was big, you’re likely getting ready to text me just to make sure I’m mentally okay because… last month, I rescinded my admission to SDSU.

Oh, I have quite the story with this university. 2004 was the first time I applied to SDSU. It was also the first time I was rejected by SDSU. The same cycle would repeat itself over the next couple of years until the spring of 2009, when I vividly remember sobbing on my bed after receiving rejection #whatever, actively throwing in the towel at my dream to attend my hometown university. I never quite dealt with the hurt that accompanied my repeated rejection. I just shifted my sights elsewhere and eventually committed to the University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV). I dove head first into the university culture in Las Vegas, proud to belong somewhere. Grateful to be accepted. And I became a boasting UNLV Rebel, through and through. My bitterness and resentment towards SDSU intensified, especially with UNLV and SDSU being conference rivals. This competition only justified every feeling I had towards the San Diego college. 

I spent a full decade going against the university that shared the exact same school colors as my own. But in 2020, an opportunity to apply for the SDSU MBA program presented itself and for some strange reason, I decided to apply. I knew that another rejection would drill the final nail in the coffin for me. But still, I proceeded. And I began to prepare my heart for both outcomes. 

Deep down, I wanted more of the college experience. 

In March of this year, moments before diving into a This Is Us binge marathon, I received an email from SDSU notifying me of a status change on my account and I’ll never forget the feeling seeing the word “ACCEPTED” next to my admission status.

But here’s the thing.

It wasn’t necessarily the feeling of jubilation I’d expected after waiting so long for that “yes.” That apprehension to fully celebrate was my first clue to tune in. That first month, I excitedly announced my acceptance to everyone, hoping to soak up others’ excitement about grad school. The second month, I began planning out life in the Fall, figuring out which classes I’d need to complete my MBA program and speaking with advisors about program requirements, etc. The third month is when I began jumping into pre-semester assessment exams filled with statistics and economics and financials. I spent most of this month wondering, “what the heck am I doing? This stuff doesn’t bring me joy. I can’t picture myself spending tens of thousands of dollars – that I don’t even have – pursuing additional education in a field that I don’t plan of staying in.” See, while the external was going after an MBA in marketing “to be used towards LoveMo,” the internal knew that I didn’t need an MBA to market LoveMo. And when I entered that fourth month, my NO started becoming something I couldn’t ignore anymore. The closer I grew to the financial aid deadlines, the more apparent it became that I could no longer move forward with my plans to attend SDSU in August.

As I began to grow more and more firm in my decision to decline my admissions offer – in fact, on July 4 – the Lord confirmed my decision and said “Daughter, you got the acceptance you needed to heal the rejection you’ve held onto for years. Now it’s your turn to do the rejecting. Release your admission to me.“

A small part of me will always feel drawn to the SDSU story highlights, or the news segments announcing the start of the Fall semester…somehow I’ve just always seen myself on that campus. But I trust God enough to know that He has purposed this Fall for something special, and whatever it is, it requires ALL of me. So, with another bold step this year, I’m ready. Bring it on, Lord!