Yesterday, I spent the entire day thinking about leaping and dreaming and risking it all. And today, I’m making a huge, huge, HUGE decision and taking a huge, huge, HUGE leap of absolute and incredible faith. And doing something that 2019 Monique would have NEVER given any thought to. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! Oh, but 2020 Monique? 2020 Monique really came to know and trust God’s good hand in her life enough to want to practice full obedience in 2021 and go to the places He’s calling her to. Oh, the battle between my flesh and my spirit is INTENSE. My flesh wants to calculate all of the things that I think I need to know, wanting answers to the many questions in my head and wanting to sit in the worry and the wonder and the fears that creep in daily. But my spirit somehow trumps it all and has been giving me full reassurance and an overwhelming confidence to push forward, towards what I know I need to do. Towards what I know God’s calling me into.

And it all started with a question. A dream. I asked this question on my Instagram, and again in my newsletter a few weeks ago:

 “If time and money was no excuse, what would you do, what would you pursue? What passion would you pursue for free?”

More than anything, that question made me realize two things – 1) how unhappy people are in their everyday “jobs.” How far some people have traveled from the passions and desires of their hearts, and 2) how short life really is. That’s a cliche that we throw around a lot, but when you really stop and think about it, our days really are numbered and you don’t have to look very far to take notice of how people spend a majority of that time.

I grew up watching my parents work their booties off in jobs that they didn’t necessarily love. On some days, they didn’t even like them. But they worked to provide an incredible life for my brothers and I. And gosh, I couldn’t be more grateful. But they gave SO much of themselves that the only memories I have of their career examples are ones filled with burnout, exhaustion, frustration, and sacrifice. All in a quest for the dollar. For survival.

When I was little, I wanted to be one of three things: A nurse, a lawyer, or a teacher. I learned quickly that though nurses and lawyers made good money, they also required a sacrifice of time away from their families. Something in me, even way back then, knew that wasn’t the life I saw for myself. So I crossed those off my list. Once my attention moved towards teaching, I quickly realized this profession was not compensated adequately for their expertise and patience. If I was to follow my parents’ quest for the dollar, this wasn’t it either. Crossed that one off the list too.

Though I always had a passion to be artistic and creative in whatever field I would eventually build a career in, I didn’t think it was possible to “love what you do,” because I never had any real life examples to see for myself. Instead, I was obsessed with the money. Which jobs made the most? Which industries could I climb the ladder of success the fastest? And somehow I landed in hospitality. But it wouldn’t take long before I became my parent’s example. I became a slave to my job. I became a workaholic. I became obsessed with success and growing and adding zeros to my paycheck. And soon I found myself working just to live. Year after year, I found myself entering burnout over and over again simply from trying to stay afloat in spaces that felt further and further away from the core of who I am.

In 2018, I attended a conference and heard an incredible message by author & speaker & infectious spirit, Bob Goff. He held up this string and said “this string represents the length of our lives….let’s say 80 years” He cut off more than half of the string to represent his 60+ years lived. That didn’t leave very much string left. He says “What am I going to do with this much life left…if I even make it to the full 80?” And I started thinking about my own string.

I think about my own string often, actually.

I think about what I want out of life.

About what legacy I’d love to leave my children.

And I don’t want it to be one of workaholism and striving and struggle.

More than anything, I’d LOVE my story to be one marked by huge leaps of faith and courage and confidence and risk and passion and purpose.

My word of the year is PURPOSE and I can’t help but come back to it time and time again, because at the end of the day, that’s what I’m trying to pursue. That’s what I’m trying to discover. That’s what I’m trying to walk in.

The boldness. The movement. The alignment. Everything I’ve talked about the last few weeks…it’s all leading me to purpose.

And that’s what’s hard and messy and hurts like hell some days.

Today really is an emotional day for me.

I’ll probably spend some of my afternoon crying in the bathroom, just letting out some of the emotions that I reeeally want to feel, but are totally trying to cover up with brave courage. To have to do something big and let some people down – people you really admire and enjoy being around – is hard. But I know it’s necessary in order to stand up for myself and not let myself down and more importantly, not let God down. So today my spirit won and my flesh took a loss. But I know in the end, it’ll be so worth it. And I can’t wait to share more about the big leaps of faith that happened today. And all that’s to come for me.

Stay tuned…