I gave up espresso this week. I had this revelation at brunch that espresso was the cause of my weekend dizzy spells. That it was causing so much activity inside my brain that it was actually clouding my ability to make sense of any one thing. And as soon as I spoke those words out loud, I instantly ended the relationship.

I realized it’d been a while since I had a true heart check. And I was starting to feel every single bit of the lapsed time. The past few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster. But such is life, right? A beautiful fusion of ebbs and flows. I don’t know about you, but when there are too many ebbs and not enough flows to balance things out, I feel this pull towards a dark circle of depressing thoughts, lies, and total discouragement. And if I allow it to, I’ll stay there and marinate in it much longer than I should.

These past few weeks, I’ve allowed it. At times, I think I even willingly walked towards it. I had a heaviness in my spirit that I just couldn’t shake for some reason. In reality, at times, I’d find myself feeling hopeless in some of my thoughts, which is hard, right? Because I do have hope in the Lord. I do trust His plans, His timing, His design – like, I preach that all the time and I do firmly believe it. But for a moment, just for a quick moment, I lost sight of all of that and totally put on my “but what about me?” glasses. I was selfish. But I felt like I had to give myself that moment, to help me process. And for me, there’s always been so much guilt in the pity party and so much shame around those “but what about me?” glasses. But sometimes, the “but what about me?” glasses help me understand what it is I’m looking for in the first place. They help me shine a light on false expectations, or faulty perceptions. So if I can focus on me and be selfish for just a moment, it actually gives me clarity. And that’s what I’ve been craving – clarity.

So in the moment when I ended things with espresso, I felt his nudge to sit with my heart and make sense of that which has felt clouded recently. What is it that’s bugging you, Monique? What’s weighing on your spirit?

I started reading this book called How to Preach to Yourself. (INCREDIBLE read, btw!) All about women, the lies the world whispers in our ears or the ones our brains tricks us into accepting. And the book starts with this whole look into the difference between knowledge and understanding. Did you know there was a difference? I didn’t. Or maybe I did, but just never really differentiated the two in the same way. I realized while reading, that this is where I kinda set up shop. In between those two spaces. Between knowing and understanding.

In the gray.

Gray happens to be my favorite color, but its also my favorite space to be.

The gray is where I find comfort at work. When I’m ready to throw in the towel but waiting to hear confirmation from the Lord. When I’m clouded by all this other junk but still trying to find my joy. Knowing that I’m purposed to be there, but not understanding why, for whom or for what. Knowing that there’s a spiritual work to be done in the physical work space, but not understanding how my physical and mental fatigue and utter irritation could be leading in the direction of that work. Just hovering in between.

The gray is where I retreat to when it comes to my heart work. Where I hide when I’m working on asserting boundaries in those relationships in my closest sphere of influence, so desperately wanting to speak my heart, but silenced by a fear of rejection. Where I desire change and speak newness over generational curses, but find solace in comfortable and dysfunctional love systems. Knowing there’s a need to grow in patience and also a need to grow in assertive communication, but not fully understanding both the differences and the connections at times. Knowing there’s continued healing to be had, but not understanding why I revert back to growing pains I thought were something of the past.

The gray is my whole heart when it comes to LoveMo. Where angst, comparison, and overwhelm meet eagerness, creativity and calm. Where the battle of dreamer vs. doer intensifies daily and I wrestle to choose sides. Knowing with every confirmation, every conversation and every connection that this will be huge, but not fully understanding in what ways, or just what plans God has for me. Knowing the effects LoveMo has had on my heart, but not completely grasping its effect on others’ healing. There’s no doubt that this passion project turned side hustle turned future-lifelong-career is blossoming and ultimately winning over every bit of my attention lately. But it’s gray space is something that grows alongside the anticipation of its launch.

But it would be silly of me to share this heart check without acknowledging the one thing that’s been weighing on my heart for months. Since returning from my European adventure, I’ve felt this pull towards relationships. And while all relationships, in general, have captured my attention in a way that solidifies a purposed pursuit, it’s the romantic relationships I’m talking about. It’s the growing impatience between seizing the current day and longing for what’s next. It’s the growing intensity for what my heart desires and the number of answered prayer for those desires…just for other people. I’m in the gray. I’m at the age where I’m constantly surrounded by evolving relationships and growing families, and the chalkboard-screeching “are you dating anyone?” is enough to turn the gray to pitch black at times. How do you keep afloat when the desires you have grow day after day after day with what feels like ZERO progress? How do you move your sight forward when you just don’t understand the present moment? People come into your life, they change you and grow you in certain ways. It’s blissful and encouraging and progressive. But how do you dissect the lessons and experiences when they leave, when they become a thing of the past and even worse, when they become a blissful and encouraging staple in someone else’s life, highlighting their life’s progress while you manage to stay put right where you are. How do you move forward when it feels like you’re swimming through mud?

If I’m being honest, these past few days have reintroduced some old feelings I’d rather have left behind. Feelings of unworthiness and lack of value, guilt and shame. And while it took some time to put my finger on what was triggering me specifically, the only emotion I was able to extract was this childlike pouty goodness that just wanted to cry out to God.

And then it hit me.

I haven’t cried out to God. The shame and guilt I feel for pouting or seemingly “complaining” about my circumstances silences me from actually voicing those emotions to God. I think the world looks at Christians many times as having these pretty perfect lives, sitting on our own personal thrones casting judgement at non-believers. I get it. There’s a lot of religion talk thrown around, when in reality, it’s a personal relationship. But I’m guilty of falling into that trap myself. Of believing that I must have it all together on the outside. Of declaring my faith, but keeping my prayers silent. In my journal. Or during my traffic time. Or, if I’m feeling super adventurous, I might even throw it on the blog. Big whoop. Just another example of the gray. Knowing that God knows my heart, my thoughts, my hurts, and every single word I desire to utter and never do, but not fully understanding that HE KNOWS. So my silence is almost hiding my faith of what He can and will do. And what He IS doing.

I talked a little bit about contentment in my last post, after listening to an AMAZZZING word from Wade Joye’s Chasing Contentment message. He shares a sweet story of his young daughter and her favorite restaurant and talks about how easy it is for her to get a “yes” from him anytime she desires to dine there. And then he talked about how she always expects a “no” from his wife for the same request. So she doesn’t ask. She thinks about asking constantly, but never does. He talked about the first time she petitioned her request…and his daughter’s joy when his wife said yes! But it was what he said next that opened my tear ducts: “I think the exact same thought with God. It doesn’t matter how many good things He does, I always think his disposition towards me is no.”

WHOA.

I’m guilty of carrying this mindset. I’m guilty of believing for a no so I’m not disappointed when I really want a yes but don’t get it. How many times do I expect a no from God, when really He’s just waiting on me to ask for what I want? He’s waiting on me.

He’s waiting on me.

Here I am with arms stretched wide – or at least I felt that way – waiting on Him to do something or say something. And all the while, He’s sitting there patiently waiting on me to do or say. Charles Metcalf had a message this weekend called “Stating Faith” (again, AMAZZZING!) which is, as the title suggests, all about stating – speaking aloud – your faith, your petitions, your requests to God. Because it’s one thing to have faith written in a journal – or on a blog – in your head, or in your heart. But it’s another to speak it out. Out loud. In the workplace. In therapy. In your communities. On your dating app profiles LOL. How will anyone know your faith if you don’t share it? Heck, how do you reassure yourself of faith if you don’t speak it out, audibly, over your life? The power of life and death is not in our thoughts, it’s in our tongues!

“When you just think good thoughts, you keep it on a battlefield that the enemy can still operate. But when you say things out of your mouth, he can’t talk out loud anymore. When you take it to a battlefield in a space that he can’t operate anymore, you start changing the narrative. He has no jurisdiction when you start speaking things out of your mouth.”

– Pastor Charles Metcalf

The truth is that I wind myself so tight with fear. Fear of…everything. This fear and these expectations have lowered my faith and my belief that God CAN work and WILL work all things together for good. He just wants us to petition. To ask. To overcome fear. To build our faith in Him. To cultivate hope. To trust Him.

This season of life seems overextended. And its hard. And I’m more in tune with my emotions than I’ve ever been, which can be both a blessing and a curse at times. Sure, I’m not extremely happy with my 9-5. I’m overly enthusiastic (read: overly stimulated) by where my dreams of LoveMo take me which exhausts me. I’m still so emotionally challenged by my continued heart work. And I’m certain there is something deep desiring to come to the surface when it comes to romantic relationships. But instead of “wading,” how am I “waiting” in the gray? In this holding space. This waiting room where there’s still growth and healing and intimate encounters and revelation to be had until He calls me into whatever’s next.

Looks like kicking espresso to the curb was a win after all.