I’ve never been emotional over birthdays.

Excited, eager, and intentional about their celebration? Yes.

But never emotional.

Until this year.

I’ve been thinking about my 33rd birthday for weeks. And even with all of this reflection, I’m still clueless on a word that can wrap up Year 32 with a big, pretty bow.

A word that, in its simplest form, will translate all of the growth, all of the change, and all of the feels that happened with the last 12 months.

A word that blends the valleys with the mountaintops, the laughter with the tears and the battle between good and evil that ensued internally.

Because that happened. A lot.

32 was my most transformative year to date. It was a year of settling into my identity, a year of truly discovering purpose, and a year of breaking a lot of really hard chains, both individually and in relationships. I mean, really hard chains. Rusted chains. Super-glued together with the strongest Gorilla Glue known to man kinda chains. This year took me through the trenches emotionally. It wrecked me in new ways. And yet on the other side of some of the pruning came such beautiful fruit. I found myself growing in deeper relationship with people, with the Lord, and most importantly, with myself.

I kicked off my birthday week with coffee & counseling. My special place. My safe haven. My moment of clarity. A space where my emotions seem to come alive the moment I cross the threshold. A place where I’m able to process what lies within and decide to either face it head on, or toss it aside and leave it behind. Many times, its a few moments where the simplest reminder takes on a whole new meaning.

Outside of processing a new year, I’ve been sitting with a heaviness lately. Not really sure what to focus on, how to make sense of it or how to tell where its coming from. I haven’t been able to articulate what it is exactly. I’ve been vague in my requests for prayer. Feeling slightly disconnected from people as I process. And let’s be real – I’m not even really processing anything. I’m sitting in between trying to tackle it and also trying to ignore it. So for now, it just is.

It could be the overwhelm of #allthethings necessary to start a business, especially one in the state of California.

It could also be this co-dependency work I’m currently digging through in counseling.

I also really, really miss seeing my nieces and nephew on a regular basis.

It’s grieving a loss in the dynamic of a relationship.

I could also be falling victim to the comparison game again – thinking my life should look one way or be progressing to a season when it’s not.

This is the heaviness. A messy blend of everything. So annoying.

——

But as we closed our time together in prayer, my therapist ushered in the Holy Spirit. In that moment, I remember asking for one of those simple reminders. I remember mumbling “Holy Spirit, speak to me.” In the days since that gentle nudge, the word REST has been looming through my social media scrolls, my conversations at work, TV show themes, scripture and worship songs.

Rest.

I don’t necessarily feel tired. I just had a #WeekofNo. But if I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s to look deeper, especially when a word just doesn’t make sense to your situation. That’s usually when you know it’s the Lord speaking and not you.

Hmmm….rest.

There’s the REST the comes from needing a complete unplug. The physical rest (sleeping, feet propped up, no plans) that’s necessary to ease my mind, calm my soul, just be. I’m used to this definition. This definition determines my #WeekofNo scheduling.

Then there’s the REST that happens from nurturing my soul – ya know, the social stuff. The much needed friend time and relationship building that offers rest to the madness. Rest from the 9-5, rest from the entrepreneur struggles. A true escape to just be me – relaxed, happy, and in my truest form. For me, this is almost like a rest from the introverting to be extroverted momentarily. But, only momentarily.

Ahhh, but then this.

What about the kinda REST that’s about finding contentment in the space God has me? Resting in the right now. Resting in “God’s waiting room,” as I refer to it. For much of my life, I’ve lived between black and white. One or the other. This or that. This last year has introduced me – or rather, softened me to the grey. (Sidenote: is it gray or grey?) I’ve learned to navigate the grey. I’ve learned to sit comfortably – or at least, more comfortably than before – in the grey. Ya see, for me, the grey used to represent stagnancy. It was a place I did NOT like to be. I always wanted to be moving forward, making progress, seeing results. Again, black or white. I was either moving forward or falling backwards. No in between. It’s been an intentional shift in mindset to embrace the grey. Embrace the waiting room, understanding that there can be progress in the wait. There can be learning, soaking, growing, cultivating in that kinda rest. That’s the kinda rest that allows my mind to focus on the important. The constant. The specificity of my design and the purpose for the pause.

——

Don’t let your heart be troubled

Hold your head up high

Don’t fear no evil

Fix your eyes on this one truth

God is madly in love with you

Take courage

Hold on

Be strong

Remember where our help comes from

 

This is my anthem lately. And not entirely because I love wailing “Ooooh Ooooh Ooooh, Ooh Ooh Ooh, Ooooh Ooooh Ooooh, Ooh Ooh Ooh.” But because of one line: God is madly in love with you.

God is madly in love with me.

ME!!

So madly in love, in fact, that He penned a story specifically with my name on it. He dreamt up every scene in my life, put together an answer guide to every question I’d ever consider, planted all sorts of goodness (and emotions!) within me for me to share with others. I am on His mind every millisecond of the day. I was made on purpose, for a purpose. Loved and wonderfully made.

Something I’ve always known, but 32 was the year I started actually believing it.

I’m soaking in these new definitions of REST and basking in the kinda REST that has me feeling all sorts of comfortable and confident in ME. In having all I need. In the gifts, the strengths, the weaknesses, the traumas, the fears, the joys, the struggles that make up the DNA of Monique. As I continue learning , growing and walking in my identity, I can’t help but LoveMo a little harder each day. Yes, I’m thankful for #32, but I can’t lie, I’m running full steam ahead at what’s in front of me at 33.

 

32 | Year in Review:

New job | Started Counseling | C@H Round 8 | LoveMo found purpose | Took my voice back | dGroup began | Catalyst West self care theme | Battled fear & gave a speech…IN PUBLIC | C@H Round 9 | LoveMo she-shed! | Koko said MoMo | Experienced Elevation + Bethel + Hillsong in concert | Women’s retreat | First time betting and I won at the Del Mar horse races | Minor fender bender | Bethel trip | LoveMo photo shoot | Commissioned! | Sponsored a conference | First visit to Magnolia + Austin | Tackled co-dependence | Tried Boba for the first time | Set boundaries for myself | Discovered my Enneagram (2!!!) | Completed my strengths test | My love language changed | I paid off my car!