I fear public speaking.

I fear I’m not good at it.

I fear I have nothing that people want to hear.

I fear that people can tell that I’m so nervous.

This is my 4th time willingly getting on stage to address a crowd. The first three times? The funerals of my Grandma, my Granddad and my Poppa, 12, 11 and 7 years ago, respectively.

Fear has always been my stronghold.

Fear crept in the many times I wanted to respond to altar call.

It snuck in every time I sat in these seats, just attending service, longing to join ministry and meet new people.

When I finally did join ministry, I joined Portability – a ministry that remained behind the scenes because I feared the spotlight.

Fear delayed my decision to join the worship team.

It threw some roadblocks on my path to baptism.

And it overwhelmed me whenever the opportunity to join PST came up.

PST was ALWAYS outside of my comfort zone. It was a ministry I felt completely unqualified for and one I knew would challenge me in every way possible, whenever the time came to commit. It took 3 years, 2 very persistent pastors and 1 dinner conversation to finally muster up the courage to apply.

On one of the first days, Pastor Mickey said something to the effect of “if you feel completely prepared and ready for PST, you’re probably not. If you’re terrified and feel completely unprepared for what’s to come, you’re in the right place.” I needed only that. With that assurance, I felt ready to take on PST. I talked myself into taking on whatever challenge was thrown my way and shifted into a mindset I thought would be strong enough to pull me through the remainder of 2018.

That mindset lasted about a week.

I find it quite fitting that we’re in a series called When Bad Things Happen. Each week’s message uncovers a gem I think we all learned through experience during the course of our year together. I’m certain that each and every one of us hit moments in the year that tested our faith, maybe drew us closer to one another, or simply broke us down so God could move. For some of us, the storms came early, for some they came often, and for some, they never came at all. My test came about a week after our first class. And leading the pack of jumbled emotions was my good ol’ friend, fear.

Fear that this would take me out.

Fear that I wouldn’t survive PST. That I wouldn’t grow during the year.

Fear that I was alone.

Fear that I wasn’t qualified to stand in front of the sanctuary each week and pray on behalf of others.

Fear that I would focus all of my attention on the problem instead of on God’s plan.

Fear that I would go about the motions on Sunday, never really fully surrendering my family’s burden, MY burden.

Fear of the unknown, of the future.

Fear of opening up to people.

And fear that I would remain silenced by shame.

I went (9) weeks carrying a weight, distracted during service, smiling my way through class and going home in tears. Slicing off the tiniest lining of what was going on and sharing with my rGroup, admiring their transparency from afar, but paralyzed by my own inability to be vulnerable.

Until Pastor Mario taught a class on exercising your gifts. He talked about exercising gifts like muscles in the gym and challenged each of us to pick 1-2 gifts to focus on exercising. I wrote down on my notebook paper the word transparency.

Immediately after that class, I pulled Pastor Michael to the side and let truth finally slip out. From that day forward, transparency was my challenge. I modeled myself after my rGroup and dGroup. I want to share a little story about my group – We were actually all assigned to a much larger rGroup before class began so when we showed up to class and saw the larger group split into two smaller groups, we found ourselves sitting around a table with very little knowledge of each other. Looking around that table, I couldn’t imagine being transparent with these “strangers.” I couldn’t picture what a lifelong relationship with all of them – or really any of them – could look like. But it only took a few Sundays for the change to start happening. One by one, they started sharing pieces of their story. One by one, they started growing in their strength to be transparent with our group. One by one, they started inspiring my heart to thaw out a bit and open up. They became my example.

And of course, today, I cannot imagine my life without them. Such an incredible bunch of ladies who have spoken life to my soul during some of the hardest parts of my year and been a light in other parts. Yes, we’re that group that spends 6 hours in a coffee shop or 12 hours exploring San Diego together. But as I reflect on our PST9 journey, I can’t help but highlight the connection between where I am today, the question that locked my decision in place and the fear that stood in the middle, spreading out its arms as to keep us apart.

In fact, the same question I was asked during that dinner conversation is one I use now when helping others get connected to ministry – “what have your prayers been lately?“

At that time, I was praying for community and deeper relationship with Christ-centered women (no offense to the all-male Portability team I was leading). I was praying for stretching, for knowledge on how to intercede for other people. I was praying for clarity and alignment with my purpose, for the opportunity for people to truly know me. Funny enough, I longed for growth but I wasn’t ready to share my life with people. I wasn’t ready to open up. And I definitely wasn’t ready to pray for people…at least live and in color. But I believe, deep down, I was ready to discover more of me, in the way God saw me.

And while the content we unpacked each week dove into a variety of topics, what I continued to unearth during PST was a need for transparency. A need for deeper connection. We’re all wired for connection. Wired for relationship. Wired for love. But I believe we crave vulnerability and long to be empowered and uplifted in ways sometimes only expressed through deep and intimate relationship with one another. It’s the same deep and intimate relationship we’re all running after with God.

It was transparency that birthed LoveMo (my side biz) and from the overflow of LoveMo came the heart behind what I’m sharing today..

When offered the opportunity to speak, believe me, fear crept in fast and hard. As I prayed for words to share, recalling how I handled fear in the past, I was challenged by my therapist to find the gifts within my stronghold. Freedom, awareness, and the experience in trying something new and unknown. Those were my gifts. I embraced the understanding that if you never try, you never learn, never grow, never change and never fail. And in that, I discovered the greatest gift in the fear I held: COURAGE.

Many believe that courage is the absence of fear when in fact, it’s simply the ability to face it. It’s the willingness to show up even when you can’t always predict the outcome.

It’s the willingness to speak even though you’re anxious about it.

The willingness to join PST even though you have no idea where your walk is headed.

The willingness to pray for someone you don’t even know.

The willingness to answer the call. To follow the path even when you don’t know where it’s leading.

That’s what you all do, each and every day.

FALSE

EVIDENCE

APPEARING

REAL

This is the acronym for FEAR provided by my therapist. My challenge, in addition to sourcing the gifts in fear? To spin the acronym. Find an encouragement. I found one on the internet –

FACE

EVERYTHING

AND

RISE

Nice, but as I close this afternoon, I want to share one with you that was a bit more fitting for this group:

FEELING

EQUIPPED

AND

READY

May this acronym of FEAR take on a new meaning as you enter a new season.

PST 9s – You are equipped. You have all the resources you need to do great and mighty things and I thank you so much for your courage this year. Thank you for the fear that pushed you into new opportunities, new growth, and new levels of faith. Thank you for leading by example. Thank you for your “yeses” and for the many times you so willingly gave of your time, talents, and resources. Thank you for your eagerness to step in and intercede on behalf of others, for the power in your prayers, and for the warmth you bring to this campus each and every week. Thank you for answering God’s call to care for our church, modeling His love with every action, every word, and every hug. I pray you continue pushing, continue sharing your stories, encouraging others to do the same and continue showing up even when you have no idea where God’s leading you. Thank you for making a difference, especially within our beautiful church family. It will always be my greatest privilege serving alongside you. Congratulations on your commissioning!