Ok God, I see you.
I feel you.
And I get it.

Do you ever feel like, when you’re going through things, emotions, sifting through your feelings or just the ups and downs of life, sometimes you latch on to a specific theme of what’s happening? That theme plays out in every conversation you have, every video you watch, every song you hear? It’s like God drops something small to confirm His big lesson or His important reminders. To confirm that He sees you. I talked about it last week – about the gentle whispers reminding me that no one has it all together. Well, it’s happening again. It’s been happening lately. A lot.

Much of time I find myself pretty aware of my surroundings, picking up on the little things. But these days? Yeah, these days, I’m feeling hyper-sensitive to those themes. Maybe it’s because of all the soul work I’ve been doing the last few months. I’m able to call attention to my emotions, what triggers me, what doesn’t sit well, what excites me…I pay attention to it all now. And that’s exactly where this week’s post comes from. Well…that and Luke Perry.

Yep, you heard me correctly. I said Luke Perry.

He passed away and all the 90’s kids mourned. Some knew him from 90210. Some, like my nieces, knew him from Riverdale. Some simply knew him as their first teen crush. But his passing didn’t spark memories of either show, and he wasn’t my first teen crush (insert shout out to Justin Timberlake, hey boo!). Still something in me was so magnetically drawn to his story. I watched the news for days, scrolled news article after news article on the internet, reading all about his start in television, his otherwise private life, and his legacy.

LEGACY. That word was copy-pasted on my mental clipboard without even realizing.

I could, literally, close my eyes and pluck out any tribute to the late heartthrob and my heart would swell. Such love and adoration, such joy in his presence and brokenness with his sudden absence. A person who expressed genuine care and concern for all whom he encountered. A person who made others feel important. Made them feel seen, heard, and loved. Luke Perry left his mark in this broken world, in such a beautiful way. Something in me just knew that he’d came and he’d conquered. He’d loved like Jesus. And that made my heart smile.

But when you see someone clearly walking in their purpose, clearly leaving an impact on this world in that way, it highlights your own fulfillment of purpose. Or lack of it. No? Just me? In his passing, I continued to flip through that mental clipboard.

Legacy.
Legacy.
What legacy am I leaving?
What impact have I made? What impact will I make?
IMPACT (Copy-paste that word too!) Legacy. Impact.

Lara Casey popped into my head. I reflected on her entire mission of “cultivating what matters.” Her company’s entire focus is intentional living and goal setting. In her famous Powersheets, she asks the question “where do you want to be when you’re 80?” What will be important to you when you’re 80? Easy. Some of the same things that are important to me now – strong family ties, deep connections, experiences to share…a well-read, and well-lived, story.

Was this my purpose? I thought, over and over again, about the connections between past desires, dreams and affirmations and my current joys and passions.

WRITING: A teacher pointed out my “flair for writing” in 2000. Here I was, just thinking I was completing a required school project. No big deal. Then in college, I started blogging. I also decided that I wanted to pen a memoir for generations after to read. I had no idea, until recently, how therapeutic it was to put pen to paper. I had no idea that writing would become one of my greatest forms of expression.

CAREER: Growing up, I wanted to be everything from a school teacher to a neonatal nurse, a criminal justice attorney to a graphic designer. I know, I know – absolutely no relation to one another. Or maybe there is? When I dissect each of these, I realize a few things:

• Teacher: Easy. I’m a life-long learner with a passion for knowledge and love sharing new knowledge with anyone who will listen. Still applicable.

• Neonatal Nurse: Mama Mo. I think I only wanted this job because I thought you could just cuddle on newborn babies all day long. Children are my jam. I can’t wait to have my own some day. But in the meantime, I have a heart for loving on children and understand, now, how an emotional void can follow someone in life, manifesting into different emotions.

• Criminal Justice Attorney: Simple. I wanted to piece together stories.

And now I’ve been in the hospitality industry, as an Event Planner, for 15 years. I chalked it up to my super organized planner brain but recently I’ve noticed my draw to the STORY behind each event. That was the challenging, but most amazing, part of every event. The why.

CONNECTION: A friend of mine once dubbed me “the glue” among our circle of friends – the one who kept us all connected and in relationship with one another.

Perhaps my deep passion to uncover people’s story is the reason why I love auto-biography books, why I binge watch 20/20 episodes and Iyanla, Fix My Life. Maybe it’s the reason behind my quest to uncover Ancestry.com family tree details and find my DNA matches. Maybe it’s the reason I study song lyrics, tracing them back to the “why” behind the tune. Perhaps it is connected to my purpose.

And then, with these thoughts circulating through every crevice of my mind, I showed up at my counseling appointment, plopped myself on the couch, and ya know what my therapist asked?

“What do you believe your CALLING to be?”

Ok God, I see you.
I feel you.
And I get it.

She does this every single time – wraps the pretty little bow on God’s monthly mind themes. She brought everything full circle with that one simple question and in that moment, I realized it might be time to unplug.

But, UGH, the decision to pull the plug from social media AND blogging was hard. I’m not necessarily tied to social media. If the Creative @ Heart community had another portal for year-long information sharing and connection, I would’ve bid Facebook farewell years ago. And as addicting as the Instagram platform is for me, it’s always been easy to fast. Now that I have a business page AND a blog, I’ve been letting this whole entrepreneurship thing shame me into thinking I have to do all things at all times, like everyone else, in order to be successful.

Monique, you have to post something daily.
And it must be Instagram worthy photography.
Your caption better be ON POINT.
And make sure you have enough hashtags too!
Post between 9:00am-10:00am EST for the most views.
Blog 3x a week because Jane Doe does and she has a million followers.
STOP!
…OMG, the list was endless! The scroll I intended for inspiration and connection became the scroll of confusion and comparison. The blog I intended as another outlet of expression for my own heart’s work became another task I felt held to complete as scheduled.

And I already know this business is in its infancy so enemy, you can keep the lies to yourself! I know every vision, every dream, every bit of the IMPACT I see LoveMo making in this world and I don’t need a million followers to make it happen. It’s never been about the followers, or the numbers or the perfectly curated feeds. I’m leaving the 99 for the one, just like Jesus. And I pray THAT would be my reminder when considering my influence, my mission. The one. Because I was that one. I was scrolling these little squares in search of influencers who encouraged, who were transparent, who confirmed that no one has it all together. I didn’t need a matchy-matchy feed, or funny captions – my heart always connected to those who just kept it real. I was scrolling, searching for the courage to, one day, do the same and be that for someone else. Keeping it real is easy, but the only way I can share all of my heart is from a full cup, a clear mind, and with a fresh vision. LoveMo’s foundation rests on self-care. If I’m not participant numero uno, then what am I doing? What’s the point?

When I got up from the couch with the decision to unplug confirmed, it felt as though so much clicked into place. Almost as if I audibly heard the Lord take a deep sigh of relief and say “FINALLY!” I can be a little stubborn sometimes (thanks, Mom!). Keep me in prayer for the next couple weeks. I have two marked on the calendar, but I’m really just sitting, soaking and allowing the Lord to plant in me all of the knowledge needed to move forward as necessary.

My Precious Father,
Thank you for the incredible gift of rest. Of recharge. And of reset.
I thank you for the beautiful calling you have weaved into the fabric of my DNA. And I pray, Lord, for this time of soaking, Lord, that you would merely sit alongside me. Allow me to replace the scrolls of social media with the scrolls of all you have shown me, all you have taught me, and all that you have planted within me, so that I walk forward with fresh vision, new direction, and a clear purpose to do all you have intended for me, according to your will.
Amen